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In life, there are any unexpected things.

We seldom pause long enough to ponder. If things, were different from reality. Some things might have changed. How would you know?

Intuition?!

Knowing what to do in all situations might not be possible, but at least in some. Necessarily, people seek out ways and means to put them at the winning end. Eventually, as in evolution, only the strongest survive. We all learn to adapt.

What could we do in our lifetime that can make a difference? How do we make an impact? Our life are in our hands, there is no mistaking that.

Maybe it’s just about simple things in life. Yet, we keep complicating life with all that we do.

FRIENDS are angels that lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

A thankful heart for the people around me for the concern. Rest assured. Eventually, there will only be victory.

We are fools

We are all fools. We do foolish things, that lack rationality, that defies logic and goes against reason. We are foolish. We try to put things into perspective, we try to make it seem right, we try to sound intelligent, but at the end of it all, we are what we are. We could all be fools. We could all be fortune’s fool. We could all be …

I’m rushing the “patch” for the scheduling software for the company. This week so not time. My dad some more say last minute that the pdt trg was for everyday, then I told him cannot … I only thought it was Monday, and so have made arrangements for other things on the other day liao. Cannot help it!

Fate and luck are two things which I probably not put my faith in. My faith goes into the Almighty. Yet, my sheer faith might appear to many as lackadaisical … I do not apologize for my attitude. I want to find a job (TOO), but I do not want to settle for something less. When I say less, I mean of lesser interest. Many of my peers appears to be caught up in the $$$ chase, or the prestige chase. Spare me! I’m looking neither for the fame or the fortune. I want to find passion, cos’ I believe that with passion, all else will fall into place.

and so, with this added functionality, the Scheduler would be able to do a bit more and have more flexibility. I think the programming style is very very very bad. If I had time to re do the entire thing, that’s if I want to, I would surely plan more and do it much better.

It’s so difficult to understand things in life. Even more difficult to understand things about yourself. Why do you think this way? Why do you act this way? No sure way to know about the outcome of anything but live through it. Yet, if you know what the result will be and want to avoid it, you do so with pre-conceived ideas. You could be right? You could be wrong? At the end of the day, you will never know, cos’ everything that happens happened for a reason and there really isn’t any right or wrong.

Ppl come here, ppl go there. There really isn’t 1 place that can satisfy a person. Maybe it’s not about the place. Maybe it’s about the person. We all do things that we do not understand or think we understand only.

My auntie and uncle have returned from their 5 years overseas stint. No more visits to GZ for me at least not in nice villas.

My room is in a mess. My laptop folders are in a mess. It’s all messy. It’s absolutely frustrating!  I need time to sort it all out, but I’m rushing through life. I’m rushing through my break. I’m rushing. It’s tiring la, especially when I’m supposed to be finally on holiday.

To mq: Get well!

天空

it’s a blur … so many things happens and nothing happens at all …

I like sitting on buses (only those with nice comfy seats) and look out the window and watch the surroundings past me by. I like looking at the blue sky and the fluffy clouds while I sit and zip past too. It gives me a surreal feeling. A feeling of peace. Away from mess, away from trouble, away from problems, away from triviality, away from people … Such an ethereal feeling, but so ephemeral. I wish it would last, but since I don’t attempt to ask more of it, or seek it out, I have merely let it slipped. Out of my vision, out of my mind, but never out of my heart. I don’t let go. I seldom let go easily. Too much a controlling person to let it go. Always wanting it to be perfect. Yet, in search of perfect heaven, I have, myself, constantly been plagued by imperfection. NO. Imperfection is not a plague, neither is it a disease. It’s just a state of being for all things human, all things of the physical world. (Only God is perfect.)

But the sky is so perfect. It’s always pretty, even in it’s darkest moments, it exudes a radiance that overwhelms. No darkness will mask the majesty of the sky. It envelopes us, it fills me. It doesn’t give me purpose, but it gives me wanting more, wanting more of the world, wanting more of life, wanting more of things out there, in distant lands, beyond my shores, across oceans, beyond boundaries. So, it’s out there – what I want is out there. It’s not near. It’s far. It’s not far. It’s near.

Yet, the sky is so unpredictable. It might rain when it had promised you sunshine. It might be scorching when rain was promised. The winds might blow too strong that it kills, the water might come too often that it drowns. A sign to stop us from doing something? A hint to turn away? An order to back down? Men – they continue to move forward.

Conversation with …

the taxi uncle as the whole bunch of us headed down to Golden Mile to get the bus tickets.

The uncle was both proud and arrogant, according to my friend. To me, he just seemed awfully shallow and sad. Yet he said that I was someone with no fighting spirit. Maybe it’s true? Perhaps.

He was talking about what every graduate would do when they are graduating, plan for their future and budget and make all the calculations, etc … I said, I didn’t and so he concluded that I was not the driven sort.

Maybe … maybe not … I’m more confused a person rather than having a lack of drive. I have a purpose, yet the purpose might not be necessary the right thing or the best thing. In fact, I will never know if it’s right.

I don’t have much room for maneuver at all … but, I shall let the world talk … i shall let the world pas me by … a friend said how good it will be if we could just live through life without any goals. “We all lived only once, why not go through it smoothly?” I don’t agree with that. Without a goal and aim, life is just waking and sleeping. There would not seem to be anything useful to do, neither would there be anything to look forward to. Each day would be a pain to live through. The sense of emptiness that would probably shroud around someone that really did not have anything in life.

Yet, how are we to be sure that we are headed in the right direction. There really isn’t a right direction, is there? I think I have been in my ivory tower for too long. Sometimes, I even envy the people that have their armoury of ‘failures’ which equip them with experience necessary to face reality. I, only hold my broom stick and still ‘play’ and imagine it to be my mighty sword. A lot of people wonder what if i was … but there is never knowing. Life is given this way and we grow this way too. Butterfly effect!? Change something and everything in the world might be so screwed you hate it even more.
Whatever it is, I want to step out. I want to step out of this place. I feel back in the tower whenever I am back in SG. It’s like I am looking at the world from a distance and everything just passes me by without my participation at all. It’s like I don’t belong. My mum showed me a phrase yesterday “天下是我容处”  which is almost a literal translation of the world is my place. For me, I’m in search of the little piece of heaven for me, for myself. I thought I knew, but perhaps it was something that someone else led me to believe that I knew. Maybe the taxi uncle was right, I just had no drive and was letting the people around me, the environment I am in the push me on. I’m like drift wood in the big blue ocean, letting the waves take me at their mercy.

Sometimes I hate myself for not knowing what exactly I want. It’s like years of ’suppression’ hides the emotions and feelings so much that there is now no feeling towards anything. No passion for any particular thing. But, I guess many people face the same issue. The sun screen song: most people are still figuring it out when they are 40. I have 15 years more to figure it out, eh?

and yes, I have an auntie that quit her very high paying job to fly all the way to the USA to take a phd in Christian theology. She’s happily graduated now and doing something she loves. It’s great that someone can be so passionate about something to give up everything. The feeling must be inspiring and all consuming. Something I guess no amount of Spinelli coffee is going to get me to that feeling of high.

So, even as I trek towards the final destination, which draws ever closer, I am not afraid of what it brings, but more upset that the destination just seems blurry and further than I thought. Two steps forward but the destination seemed to have taken two steps forward too. It’s like playing catch up and yet never catching up. Maybe it’s a sign that the destination is not right, and that I need to re-orientate and head in a new direction. Maybe it was all along with me that I needn’t head further. Maybe it was already where I had come from.

Dear God,

Sorry for being such a confused child. The signs you have sent might have fallen on deaf ears. Hit me in the head to show me the sign, instead, since I seem to be blind to signs or hints. Yet, thank you for having faith in your child,  bringing hope in my life, instilling peace in my spirit and granting me the future victory in my life. I am naught without you. Hope, I know, must not be place in things human, faith, I know, must not be in things mundane, peace, I know, is not found in things physical, victory, I know, is not found in me alone.

Amen.

What you want(.)(?)(!)

So many ways to express that phrase, yar?!

“Knowing others is Wisdom. Knowing yourself is Enlightenment.” – Lao Tzu

I’m not so full of inspirational quotes, but I just thought this so apt. We are learned people, studying many things, from evolution, to relativity, to finance, to computing, etc … we seem to know so much … we seem to know others well …, yet, possibly, the 1 person you least know is – yourself.

Guilty as charged!

Living off the dreams and hope of others gets you no where. Living off the aspirations and expectations of others, also, gets you no where. You just have to decide what is it you want. What is it you truly love.

I guess, receiving enlightenment, isn’t about climbing up tremendous amounts of stairs to reach the highest peak of some obscure mountain, or I would have already attained now.

Figuratively speaking, I guess, it’s about going millions of miles deep within yourself, into the darkest parts, the deepest crevice of your heart to feel the beat, see the pulse and come to realization.

So, as you ‘walk through the valley of the shadow’ you are either all by yourself or you have some one with you or you have someone with you and also have God. (Pick your choice, depending on your … erm … belief.) It’s always good to have someone or God there. That way, you don’t stay lost too long. (I meant stay lost … cos’ you most probably WILL get lost.)

And, at the end of this whole conversation, with myself actually, I have come to realization that I still have no realization of what I want or am.

You’re troubled. Troubled, because you feel excited, happy and afraid all at once. (So, which right?)

It’s odd that people ‘like’ being ‘miserable’.

I find it strange that people like to be miserable.

They do so, possibly, for a variety of reasons and I list just a few.

1. They like the attention they get when they ‘brag’ about how miserable they are.

2. They like to play victim to circumstances to avoid taking responsibility for their plight.

3. Following on point 2, they are afraid or too proud to admit they are in the wrong and need to change.

4. They fear that by being happy, other people will be resentful and hateful towards them and so ‘join’ in the rest of the ‘miserable’ crowd.

5. They think that life is all about suffering and that any sign on happiness is sinful.

6. They yearn for sympathy and think being miserable is the only way they are going to get it.

That’s all I can think of at this moment in time.

Quite slow in my testing and experiment, cos’ still got a small bump in the road.

How do I go over it!? hmm …

I go sleep! (and dream of the answer)

1, 2, 3 …

Make a wish. I made a wish, or maybe more of a prayer, and it is a long wish, or maybe a string of wishes, but it’s 1 desire nonetheless.

What’s right at the moment can be wrong in the next. Yet, if we only live for the unpredictable tomorrow, then we will not live out a fulfilling and powerful life. Therefore, what’s right for the moment will be right and, I dare say, ‘perfect’ for the moment and the context. Be content.

There are many things in the world that we want. Mostly material gains and earthly possessions. These things we can buy with money or it’s equivalent. What keeps a person sane, happy and very human is not the acquiring of these ‘things’ but a satisfaction of human emotions, fulfilment of personal experience, and the joy of being human. These things we don’t buy. In fact, we have to give to obtain or experience them. We give our encouragement, we give our thoughts, we give our care and we give our love. Be human.

Life’s greatest challenges is usually ourselves/yourself/ownself. If we choose to compare with others, with what others have achieved or attained, we disfavour ourselves and put down our potential to be more than ourselves. We are all different people. We think, we do and we believe in very different ways. There is no greatest among everyone. For every No. 1 there is someone better. The comparison never ends. Just better yourself and constantly seek improvement. Be you.

People are not out to kill you. Neither are they out to take things from you. People are inherently nice (That’s my take, at least). So, be nice to them and usually they will be nice to you. It’s like a mirror. What goes around comes around. A smile will get you a smile. Be nice.

Many things in life actually work out right in the end if you are not so short sighted. Think about the future and see how certain steps, occasions, lessons learnt will apply in life. Things come and go to strengthen us. They nourish our experiences, they broaden our mindset. Let the world bring on new things, new experiences, new revelations. I shall take then as they come. Be open.

I thank the people in my life for making me who I am. My family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates, my surrounding, for inching me towards the right direction all the time. They never fail me (even though I might think so at certain points in time, it is not true). They are present and ready to be called upon for support, encouragement and inspiration. Be grateful.

I made a wish, or maybe more of a prayer, and it is a long wish, or maybe a string of wishes, but it’s 1 desire nonetheless.

Lessons Learnt for a Saturday

Quite a number of lessons learnt this Saturday.

Went to school for make up class for CS4274 and I went to the Co-Op to get my MacBook checked. The friendly Apple guy said it was a kernel attack and so, I learnt something new today and also how to fix it. It should not come up anymore.

I went home and tried to iron out my Palm desktop synchronization. I got it to work. My Clie TH55 is syncing with Entourage to have addresses, calendar, todos, memos all sync. Next step is to include docs to go and avantgo. However during the process of syncing on my Mac, my PC and testing, I acidentally wiped out all my past data. A few were still kept, but most of the events in the calendar were wiped out. All contacts were wiped out, except for the few impt ones I had on Entourage before hand. I was upset. After that, I looked at it from a different point of view. I found the situation funny. I was always one who did not like to delete things, as I felt that I might need it someday. Even contacts I know I will never ever call. Notes I will not bother to read. Events that happened so many mons ago. So, this wipe, made me only keep the impt information and all the other ‘peripherals’ I shall discard. In another way, I felt it was God telling me to let the past be past. It’s history, let it be and that I should focus on the gift of the present. I shall embrace that truth, which was also something that Uncle Rocky Soh talked about yesterday.

Church service was good. The message was rather unclear to me, but I felt good. I braved the torrential rain with my ‘brought back from Shanghai, Singapore NDD umbrella’ to attend the service and still arrived half wet. What I did take away from the service was that we all need to have a vision – a God given vision, for a vision that is not God inspired is merely a dream. To attain this vision, we must be part of God’s bigger tapestry and unite as Christians bringing the vibrant Christian environment to all part of our lifes and by so doing change our lifes, influence the people around us, shape our environment all for the building of God’s kingdom and the bringing of glory to Him. The vision in so doing becomes personalized and internalized. It becomes part of us and we then, truly, live a God inspired life. (Amen.)

My final point:

A. NUS School Fees for this semester = SGD$2,929.97

B. MacBook + 2GB ram = SGD$2874

A > B

I prefer B. (“”,)

Beer & life’s lessons

Went to Toa Payoh in hope of eating the Tian Tian Lai Hokkien Fried Prawn Mee, but it was closed (apparently, the guy injured his leg) so ended up eating the Western food there which was good, too, and served a huge portion for the price paid.

On our way off, my dad bumped into an old friend from way back in the military. ‘Uncle’ Rocky Soh. He was drinking lots of Carlsberg and he insisted we sat to drink too. It was an interesting night where he narrated alot of past stories and he did give a lot of advie and experiences which were in very ‘interesting’ manner true, correct and applicable to modern day living.

1. Don’t compare with others. Don’t be TOO ambitious! The keyword here is ‘TOO’. Achieve for the best, but don’t compare yourself with other people and don’t always bash yourself for not coming in tops, because people can’t always be No. 1 in everything and at every occasion.

2. Listen, observe, speak – These 3 actions should appear in this order. Listen to what others have to say. Observe people’s mannerism and attitude. Finally speak when you have been spoken to, or speak when you need to.

Hmm … I seem to believe that there were more things I was suppose to have remembered, but it appears that under the influence of alcohol, I am unable to recall all the finer details. So, this is it for now. If I do recall anything, I’ll let you all know.

What have I done?

I looked back at my entire schooling life and there were some similarities interms of the things that I did. Ok, there were also some irregularities, but I guess that’s interim or during transitional phases in my life.

For the my primary school days and most part of my Secondary School days, I was mostly involved in the performing arts, chinese drama, english drama, chinese orchestra. Then during junior college I went into council which saw me doing all those events management, branding for the faculty ( i was fac head), promoting of Hwa Chong. In Uni, I joined Corporate Communications of my school and once again continued with events management, marketing the school, branding the school, etc.

I told myself I probably won’t do it again after jc, but ended up doing it again in Uni. I thought it would end, but it happened again in SH, events management, promoting the society, marketing the programme, etc.

Hmm … It’s a huge contradiction to most of my “fortune readings” where they suggest I go into more adminstrative work usually teaching, admin officer, govt work, research work, etc …

BUT, could this be a sign that maybe (just maybe) deep within me I actually like doing such things? That I keep doing it over and over again cos’ I enjoy it, I find solace in it? (or is it because, I have done it some often that i’m good at it and so just keep on doing it?) A rather random stray thought this is, but I guess it’s definitely worth exploring. It appears that either intentionally, or not, I find my life keep gravitating towards the arts and media side. just like my internship with mbo. just happened. then u trace back to when i was young, corp comm, council,  drama, orchestra … same lineage?!

alright, i shall lean towards this path, even though all those personality test tell me other wise (and that I shld get a well organized job that has lots of admin details that I would love to meticulously pore over) … i’m sure there are exciting jobs that still require my extreme detail and organizational skills. ( ok … I exaggerate! … but suggestions are welcomed.)

Ok, now i think i need to do some background research on the industry … never too soon, right?

p.s. I’m typing in the dark … hope there isn’t too much typos!

p.s.s. Supposed to went to bed already, but since this thought popped into my head while I was in bed, I had to get up and get this down.